Cheap Tricks

Ah, fall. The mere mention of the word conjures images of fresh apples, hay rides, and visits to the pumpkin patch, not to mention everyone’s favorite holiday: Halloween. Who doesn’t love the fun of dressing up, haunted houses, and goblins?

And the most heartwarming sight; children taking candy from strangers.

Unfortunately the ugly witches and vampires of yesteryear are being replaced with something even more sinister: slutty pseudo-costumes.

You see them everywhere – the ‘sexy’ witch, the French maid, the black cat (NO, a leotard with ears and whiskers does not count as a costume!) It makes a true Halloween aficionado heartsick to see. Where are the real witches, the she-zombies, the slasher-prom-queens?? This is the time to break out the fake blood and gore it up a bit!

Costume? What costume? This was in my closet . . .

Ladies, there is really no excuse for this. There are tons of places to get real costumes. In GR alone there is the Kostume Room, Theatricks, and even Party City has a decent selection. Or go cheap and put something together at Goodwill. And if you’re not up for blood and gore, at least attempt to put some humor in it. Go as a pregnant pageant queen, complete with Miss Conception banner. Throw on a robe with curlers in your hair and a beer in your pocket – instant trailer park! (For some of you, this may not be a costume.) Or even just a black robe and cross necklace and be a nun – again, funnier if you’re pregnant.

The point is, if you’re raiding your stash of bar clothes and hooker boots for Halloween, it’s time to get a bit more creative. You have every other night of the year to dress like a whore. (Have you ever been to the Crush on a Saturday?? No shortage of sluttiness there. Not that it’s a bad thing, just sayin’.) But this one holiday is your chance to really do it up. Have some fun with it. Dye your hair purple and screw the people at Meijer’s who look at you funny when you’re pushing the stroller. And buying tequila . . . or whatever.

Take back Halloween. Grab your fake blood and face paint. And resist the call of the Elvira dress and mondo push-up bra. Or just buy it and save it for Saturday . . . no one will mind. October IS breast cancer awareness month after all, and big, healthy ta-tas should be celebrated.

And a side note for all the moms out there: under NO circumstances should you ever, ever fall prey to the kiddie-porn parade of sexed-up toddler costumes out there. No 4 year old needs to be a belly-baring Jasmine. Britney Spears? Nope. And since when does Cinderella sport a mini-dress? She was supposed to be dancing at the ball, not at Showgirls. Don’t give your money to the pedophile designers who market this trash. Save it for their college tuition. Or a new pair of hooker boots (for you, not them.) Their therapist will thank you for it later.

Written By Guest Writer: Denise Langeweg

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