Authorities reported yesterday that the infamous “Geezer Bandit” was brought to justice. This particular
hardened criminal is best known for his shameless terrorizing of underpaid bank tellers in the San
Diego area in 16 robberies since August 2009.
Also not to be ignored is the fact that he is really super old, hence his unique tagline. He has, however,
taught us that anyone who points a .22 in your face can be terrifying, even if they have arthritis and
remind you of your great uncle Mort who was put in the home two years ago and you continually
forget to go visit (because I mean come on, he’ll probably live long enough for you to get there and play
a nice game of Backgammon with, right?).
The Geezer Bandit has been on Americas Most Wanted for the last two years, with a $20,000
reward out for information leading to his arrest. Recently, police had begun to suspect
that the robber might actually not have been old, but rather wearing a movie quality mask in order to use the
sweet innocence of old age to lure people into a false sense of security.
“That’s how we caught him really,” said Sargent Phillips of the San Diego Police Department. “We
were thinking, ‘How does he always get away so fast? There’s no way he’s booking it out of here.’ But
then we saw security footage of him doing just that. We all know old people don’t run, and this guy
looked like, 80. So, we changed our tactics. Instead of being gentle, like is afforded to our elderly, we
just sicked the dogs on him. Had ‘em treed in three minutes. “
The treed burglar panicked and started firing on officers at the scene, but luckily no one was injured.
After he ran out of bullets, officers were dispatched to get the man out of the tree and bring him to
justice. When they got up that tree, what they found was simply shocking.
Officers at the scene attempted to take the mask of off the man, and after using a small hand saw (and what
was described as a “terrible sucking, screeching sound” by one officer that was at the scene) the mask
was off, and underneath all the confusion was one Mr. Chad Bradfield: robber brought to justice.
The mystery, however, was just beginning when the mask hit the ground and then attempted to crawl
“I was trapped in that mask for three years,” said Bradfield, a 34-year-old contractor who was
reported missing in early October 2008. “All I remember is going into the creepy little costume place
in Los Angeles, and the next thing I know I’m a living breathing version of that Jim Carrey movie, but
without the slutty Cameron Diaz and witty scripting. It was awful. It didn’t really take over my thoughts,
but if I didn’t do what it wanted it woke up every day at 4 a.m. and started telling me stories about
how things used to be until I broke down. It was the worst kind of mental blackmail.”
Simply put, the police have no leads and no idea what to do in this situation. Should the letter of
the law be followed and Bradfield be imprisoned for his crime, or should this be treated as a special
“Well, I just don’t know what direction we’re going to take right now,” said Mayor Jerry
Sanders. “Parasitic facemask aside, this is America, and in America we look at what the real problem is, and that’s who’s going to be brought to justice for these bank robberies, and trust me, someone will be brought to justice. Who better but Mr. Bradfield himself?”
Bradfield in his last statement before taken into custody said, “Seriously? People aren’t more concerned
that there was a parasite alien on my face? Seriously?”